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So how do you talk to your teen after a school shooting? This can be difficult and uncomfortable. You might be like most parents who just don’t know what to say. Your teen may be feeling the same way.
You know, when I was thinking about making this blog post, I thought, “well, school will be out and maybe parents won’t be even thinking about this.”
But then I reminded myself that these terrible shootings are happening about every week and there is still year round school in many places. Also, even if school is out, there are so many kids with this fear always in the back of their minds that it’s a worthwhile topic to share.
So what do you say to your teen when a shooting has happened and it’s all over the news and the internet? You know they are seeing video. You know they are seeing pictures. You know they are seeing news stories with images of kids crying and running away and their parents standing in the parking lot in tears.
That’s very scary stuff.
CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE VIDEO directly on YouTube.
Don’t let them watch alone.
Sit down with your teen. Don’t say anything for a few minutes while you both take in the coverage. If they speak first, then it’s fine to engage. But start by giving your teen a little space. They are processing.
When there’s a break in the coverage, ask them a question to guage how they’re feeling:
- “How did you first hear about this?” “What did that report (person, story, blog) say about it?”
- “How are your friends feeling about this?”
Your teen might be willing to talk about her own feelings once she sees how you react to what her friends are saying. Stay calm and focused. Hear her out without judgement because she may say some pretty radical things in the height of emotion, like “we should just take all the guns and blow them up with an atomic bomb” or “we should have a police officer search every boy” or “we should all wear body armor”.
Remember that she hasn’t thought these things through, she’s just spouting off out of fear. Don’t try to reason with her now. Let her talk it out.
Monitor What Your Teen and Her Friends are Sharing
Check out the texts and videos and images they are sharing by cell phone. They are probably feeding off each other’s fears by watching a lot of video. Ask your teen questions about how all of these pictures affect her.
- “What does that do to your stomach when you watch that?”
- “Does Sally think that’s cool to share? It kind of makes me feel sick to see it.”
- “Do you believe that’s true?”
You can point out if you see them texting stuff that obviously isn’t true. A friend might text, “I heard he shot about 5000 kids!” You know that is false. Talk it over and discuss how reasoning with a statement like that will help her decide what is true and what is false, will help her decide about what to believe.
Let her know that she can always come to you when she’s unsure and you can reason through it together.
My daughter was in high school during the 9/11 attacks in New York and I found out then that her school didn’t talk about at all. She and her friends had lots of questions and were scared. And also many parents weren’t reassuring their kids which made them even more scared.
Make a Plan Together
Once you’ve talked it over, ask your teen what she would like to do about the shooting. If your family beliefs include prayer, she might want to pray for the school and the community. She may want to take a card or flowers if this is a local school. There may be a vigil or a remembrance service. These actions are very helpful in the grieving process.
Your teen should have a plan for herself in case of an emergency in her school. Talk about what actions she could take to stay safe. Think about what you would do if there were a shooter at your work. She probably worries about your safety, too.
Here is a list of actions you both can take:
1) Barricade the door:
Use whatever you have in the room to block the door. It might not keep someone from forcing the door but a shooter will probably not try too hard to open it before moving on to another area.
There is a great product that will jam the door quickly and easily if it opens from the inside. It fits across the bottom of the door so even if an attacker shoots out the lock, the door remains secure. It’s called the JustinKase and it was designed by a high school student who was challenged in shop class to make a product that would increase school safety. With a price tag of $95, your school or business could afford to buy these for each room. If it is not in the budget, maybe you and your teen would help raise the money to supply her school.
2) Hide out of sight of the shooter.
Under your desk will not work if the shooter is in the room. If you hear shots, then your teacher will instruct you where to go out of sight. Be completely quiet. Don’t let the shooter hear where you are hiding.
If you have to find a place to hide, the best place is somewhere made of concrete or solid to block gunfire. But not a bathroom as there is usually not a window to escape from or a second exit. If you can hide behind a concrete pillar or a vehicle, that will work. If it’s a bus or car, hide behind the engine because it’s a solid barrier.
Some schools are using shelters in the classroom called 3 in 1 Saferooms. Their bigger one can shelter 32 students for a cost of $14,299 and it shelters against storms or attack.
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3) Always be aware of where you are and find the exits.
You and your teen should always be aware of your surroundings. When you are out together, talk about looking around the room you are in.
Have a discussion about locating exits and places to get away if you have to. Once you see the layout of the classroom or restaurant, you can relax. That info is stored in your mind and you can access it if needed.
In a restaurant, sit with your back to the wall so you can observe who’s coming and going. In a theater, note all of the exits because one of them could be blocked if everyone heads for the same door. Watch for fire extinguishers, those can be used against an attacker by an adult while the child hides or runs. At a concert, search for a layout of the venue and note all of the exits because you may need to divert to a less obvious one. Even at school, find the building layout and know the ways to get out if you happen to be close to one.
Lastly if your teen is having trouble sleeping or is very stressed about school shootings, consider a hypnotherapist. I can teach them calming tools like Anchored Breathing and Tapping that they use to calm their own emotions. In hypnosis, I lead them into a very relaxed state to make the changes they want to make.
And if your child has become a victim of an attack, hypnosis is a tool that can help them through this frightening experience. I know that this comes with some parental guilt but my colleagues at Hypnosis Downloads have a hypnosis download just for you called Guilty Parent. I recommend that audio as well as Patient Parent. You’ll be surprised at how focused and relaxed you can be.
If you found value in this blog post, please give me a heads up in the comments. I’d love to know how you approach school safety issues with your teen.
About the Author Angie J. Hernandez, C.Ht.
A graduate of the Hypnosis Motivation Institute, Angie J. Hernandez, C.Ht., has her private practice in Milford, Indiana. She is certified in hypnotherapy by the Hypnotherapist's Union Local 472. Angie is the author of "Weight Loss Epiphany: The Workbook", "Charlie's Cuddly Animals for Little Geniuses" and "Weight Loss Hypnosis: Lose Weight with Hypnosis Scripts & Recordings". You can find out more about Angie and how to schedule private sessions by calling (574) 658-4686.
